A Toast To 2012!

So I will admit that I am not a social drinker, I maybe have a glass of wine every few weeks. Not because its fattening (which it is) but I am just not a fan of getting wasted and being hung over. I have been drunk but never REALLY drunk. BUT, as EVERYONE knows tonight is New Years Eve, a time for new beginnings and a fresh start and it gives you a fire under your ass (even for only a few days or even a month) to get your act together and do everything you plan to but haven't. Well I plan to be a more stressfree me. I am 27 and I act like I am 40. I am beyond stressed all the time. I am ready to let go and be happy and tonight, for the first time ever that I can remember on New Years I plan to have some drinks, and a LOT of them. Happy New Year All!

The Poor Man's Diet

Due to not buying groceries because we have my husband's dentist bills to pay for, we are eating what we can find in the house. Which for the last 2 days has been chili with cheese and the 30+ hot sauce packets from Taco Bell last week (don't get me started on this one!). This is seriously sad. Why is the worst food for you so damn cheap and to eat healthy or organic costs an arm and a leg??

Someone, please explain this to me. Why is it that getting healthy and staying healthy is so freaking expensive but America makes it so damn easy to make people fat?? Argh.

A "painful" but good start

So I went to the gym last night, yes I actually went, and I got my hubby to go too. All was fine and dandy, i was feeling great, I was alternating between running and incline walking, burned around 200 calories but about 6 minutes till the end, WHACK! I smack my hand into the stupid treadmill and INSTANTLY got a bruise on my knuckle, little to say it put a damper on the rest of my workout.

This morning I am doing something I have wanted to for awhile, go walking with a "chubby buddy." I like the mornings, more so in the summer time, but still, I like them and I hate wasting them always sitting on my computer wishing I was out with a friend walking. Yes I can do it myself but having someone keeping me accountable is what I really needed. I hope this isn't a one time thing.

Fortitude

Tonight makes the return to the gym. *dramatic music* lets do this shit.

Its Over..

Christmas in over, finally! Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas and all it means but I am so glad that the season of salty and massively sugary snacks are over. No more sugar cookies painted like cute snowmen or peanut butter balls. No more turkey dinners with all the fixings. Finally I won't be bombarded and told i'm a Scrooge if I don't eat someone's homemade cookies. GOD FORBID I DON'T EAT YOUR COOKIES!

Anyway, I am now ready to start over. But I want to start going back to the gym BEFORE the 1st of the year. I don't want to be like everyone else and start my goals then because it's a "new start" I feel like that will be setting myself up for failure. I am doing this for ME when I NEED it, not because I should or because it's a new year and I need to make a resolution that 8 out of 10 people won't keep. I am doing this because I am..I know I can be strong enough to start it and keep going without the pressure of "YOU MADE THIS RESOLUTION! DO IT! OR YOU FAIL!"

Its time, to do it for me and not to prove it to anyone else.

Salads

Checked my weight this morning, and I'm back down to 180.4! :), good thing I love eating salads!!

I use to eat salads that were worse than a freaking hamburger! Pea, eggs, cheese, a TON of bacon bits and of course, croutons, oh how I love croutons. I of course would also drown my salad in ranch like I was 5 years old holding an open bottle. Well, I still love ranch (who doesn't??) but I have changed my taste buds since I have grown up for when I have an actual salad and not just dipping my carrots.

My salad now consists of either iceberg lettuce, or bib lettuce or sometimes even spinach if I have it. I then sprinkle on at least half a cup of the delightful garlic ginger wonton strips (picture below) and then I do at least 3 cap fulls of Newman's Own Low Fat Sesame Ginger dressing. (pictured below) Add maybe some cranberries for a kick of flavor.

Both products have very few calories per serving, and the Newman's is delightfully tasty with a touch of spicy. It's been my favorite for years now. So if you need helping finding an even HEALTHIER way of eating a salad try these. But I will always love the occasional crouton. 

Break the Bond

Anyone who is overweight now that we don't JUST eat because we're bored or hungry but that we have like a relationship with food. Its always there for us, never lets us down, always tastes good, and gives us satisfaction from possibly some life disappointment, big or small, when life is a little unsure. We love food, we find it hard to throw out that junk that we know is bad for us, to throw out the leftovers that have been sitting in the fridge for over 3 weeks now even though it's starting to grown something on it because we want the excuse that, "i might still eat it," "don't want to throw out perfectly good food, there are children in Africa that would eat this!" and the answer is No, you won't and African kids would have eaten is weeks ago before you discarded it in your smelly fridge.

So what I am getting at before I trail off into a tangent is, THROW OUT YOUR NASTY FOOD! Even the stuff that is still perfectly good but you know eating it will only make you feel like crap instantly after you eat it (like those Christmas cookies that no one is eating).  ITS TIME, to break off that affair your're having with that chocolate bar in your bed side table. ITS TIME to throw away that box of crackers sitting in your car. ITS TIME to eat some damn fruit, and no fruit snacks do NOT count! and most of all ITS TIME to stop feeling guilty! Seriously, who wants to go through life feeling guilty for ANYTHING?? I know I sure don't!

So if you're with me, anyone, let's break the bond of poor eating habits and make a bond with ourselves that we'll do what's right for us, our hearts and our bodies.

Time Crunch vs Crunchy Apple

I feel like I make my biggest bad food decisions are when I am running late for work or..well work. I just grab what I can that I can eat instantly. I shove it down my throat as I speed to work not thinking of how full I feel or how bad of a food I am ingesting. I am now going to make it my top priority to ALWAYS keep fruit in the house. Winter does make it harder, and more expensive, to buy fruit but whats an extra dollar or two compared to a healthy body?? I love apples (living in the apple state of the world) and bananas, but what other good fruits are there that I can just grab and bite without the hassle of pealing (like an orange), any suggestions? Anyone?!

I CAN...

I checked my weight this morning (always int he morning after i wake up and near naked), and due to the damn holiday treats shoved in my face constantly and me not being strong enough YET to say no..182. fail.

I CAN do this. I CAN say "NO!" I CAN walk away. I CAN use my will power. I CAN go back to the gym before January 1st. I CAN wear those extremely unflattering yoga pants until they become flattering. I CAN accomplish this. I CAN, I CAN, I CAN!!!

A Vision.

Sometimes I find that I want to work out most when I can't. Why is that? I am currently playing a song by my long time love Moby that I have never listen to before called "Alone"(now that I think about it kind of ironic) but I can like see myself running on a road, alone, on a sunny day and I am thin! I hope and pray that someday I can make this vision come true.

I want to be thin, not just to BE thin, but to be healthy. To say that I actually accomplished something that I have been fighting with all my life. To be able to wear clothes that I dream of and lust after online and in the stores. To be able to be healthy and go on the hikes with my husband that he keeps bugging me to do. I just want to have energy so I can live a life I want to and not give in to lame excuses. I want to be free of this cage I have gotten so use to but hate. I have a vision, now let's see if come to life!

ok, i'm am done with my super cheesy post.

cookies

So the other night my hubby and i worked for like 5 freaking hours on making Christmas cookies. So far, I have eaten 3..to my knowledge. I hope I can keep up this strong hold and not go nuts.

Stagnate

I am sad to say that in the last few weeks I have not really changed at all. Even after going a week and a half of no Taco Bell and drinking so much water I pee like 8 times a day and drinking green tea and eating oatmeal for breakfast, I am still at 181. I was at 180 for a few days but managed to go back up. I mean I can at least be grateful that I'm not really gaining.

My brain is in this like Holiday mood and I can't snap out of it. Like because it's Christmas time I shouldn't be worried about losing weight but having fun, making cookies and sitting watching movies cuddled up, or basically NOT MOVING.

I haven't been to the gym all month. fail.

time to share..

I felt it was important (though I was hesitant) to share a full body shot of me. They are RARE but every so often someone does capture the whole me. But I can tell you that it is very hard showing these photos.

This photo was taken this summer at a wedding I was photographing and my second shooter got me. I was probably 183 here. The one thing I am at least thankful for is that I am pretty proportionate rather than bigger on top or bottom. So I can hide it fairly well.

September 2011, This made me cringe and want to cry. This is what kick started me to get back to the gym.

a few years old, probably about 165-173, before I got married.

On my wedding day, about 165 and though I was super happy, after the ceremony all i could think about was how much this dress hurt my back because it was painful having a corset on.

May 2011, picture my hubby took this summer, i was utterly disgusted when I saw this.

I think what scares me the most is becoming like my mother. Yes I love her, but she at her heaviest was about 300lbs if not more. Sure she had 4 kids but still, she slowly packed it on and 30+ years later is still stuck in a body she is uncomfortable with. She is trying but it's taking a very long time.

But there is hope to lose weight. There was one time when I got down to 146 after a horrible break up. Not the best way to lose weight but it is possible to make it happen again but in a healthy way.

This is what I looked like when I met my husband in June 2008. Super short hair and 147. So I have gained about 30-40 pounds since we met. 30-40 POUNDS! Sure it was in the time span of 3 years now but still, it happened. But I know I can get rid of it if I really try.

So here I am, December 7th 2011 ready to honestly and earnestly wanting a change. By this time next year I hope to be back down to at LEAST 156lbs. But I know it's a long road, it's a day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute and even weak moment by weak moment to say, "no!" to bad choices and "YES!!" to good choices and a better life. Its time to say "YES" to a better, healthier and more active life, with hubby in tow.

down..

I am almost to 179, once I get to that my will to hit the gym again will kick back into gear. I'm currently just trying to lose by what I eat, or don't eat.

drinking tea, took the dog for a walk this morning. haven't done that in..too long.


btw, this is going to be the death of me...

just too damn good! I am powerless against coconut and dark chocolate. But maybe I can still have it just limit it to like a bar a week? If I had my way it would be a bar a day. :P

get onboard

I think the biggest part of my weight loss (other than eating right and getting my butt back to the gym) is getting my hubby onboard with also losing weight. Which technically he is, but he lacks any and all motivation to eat right. He is a snacker, so he makes me one. But he also lifts me up and says "no" when I can't. But we at least need to be on the same page, it's like when you're almost done reading a page and your about to turn it and you're ready to see what's next, that's him. Knows what to do next, just not quite ready yet. God bless him though, he is my rock.

just for once..

Maybe I could have a little consistency! I went from eating too much in a day to having one freaking meal a day and it isn't even that good of a meal!

Come on brain & stomach, stop being stupid, you're better than this!

Sooo fulll..

Just ate for the first time today, at a mexican resturant. :-/ i only ate half my meal but I am beyond full. I think what I need to work on the most, besides eating healthier, is SMALLER PORTIONS!

I need to be more in tune with my stomach too. Listen to it when I feel full or on my way not when its too late. If I am being honest with myself I have a love/hate relationship with food. I love food but hate myself for what I eat, this has got to stop.

I need to really find the root of my problem as to why I feel I have to keep going until I can't anymore. This is my problem and burdon and its getting REALLY exhausting keeping up with it.

I need to reprogram my brain. This should be fun.

Green Tea

I read somewhere that green tea was good for losing weight, like it boots your metabolism (which mine is like a slug already). So for a few weeks I started drinking it in the morning and it really was pretty good. Then for no reason I stopped, I tend to do that way to much. Well time to start it up again!

I drink either Tazo green tea with a tiny bit of honey and some raw sugar

or, Celestial Seasonings Green Tea with White tea, also with honey and raw sugar.

I try not to over do the honey or the sugar but it just needs a tiny bit, but try these out. Its a nice kick in the morning instead of the sugar & syrup filled Starbucks I crave.

Ah poop..

I ate a PB&J sandwich when I got home, just couldn't go like another 10 hours without food.


and I grabbed a few more chocolates. :(

Being Strong at Work.

My job requires a lot of body strength. I take care of the elderly and a lot of the times that means lifting, moving, transfering, and the like. But that is not what this post is really about. Sure all those thing are hard to do and I break my back while doing it. But I am more refering to being strong with not over eating at work.

You heard correct. Its not like I work with food to any extent, but there is constantly a nagging at work with food. We have birthday parties for the residents and that usually means free cake. Some of my coworkers keep candy in their lockers that they openly share with everyone. Lastly is the soup. Oh the soup. Sometimes its like I am in soup heaven here. Worst of all, its all free!!

Though I am significantly more active at this job than my last I have not lost any weight due to all the free junk food around. I just tell myself "its just a mini snicks, it won't hurt." and yes, one won't hurt, but 5..7..10?? Where does it stop?

I am here by going to be stronger at work. Saying no to those sugary treats and yes to my water bottle!!

Try again tomorrow? How about finish THIS day right!

After waking up late and fulfilling my craving for mac & cheese with tuna I feel a bit defeated. Well, defeated when I went back for that second helping.  I give into my cravings WAY too much. Like when I went BACK to Walmart to get butter for the mac and cheese I bought a box of chocolates telling myself, "i will only eat 2 today, it's better than eating a whole candy bar right??" Well I ate three.

I at least have planned to eat oatmeal for my dinner at work. Only 300 calories and filling and I, like always, plan to take my 2 bottles of water, but maybe today I should try harder to drink 3 instead of chugging the second right before I clock off. "If I finish it before work it counts rights?" I have got to stop lying to myself.

Also, I am trying to rid one bad food habit from my diet a week. This week, Taco Bell. Jesse and I went probably 6 times in the last 2 weeks. I am way too addicted to their hot sauce, but even if I try to do the "drive through diet" I know I won't stick to it. So I am just purging myself from it all together and drinking more water.

Lord help me tame this dang tongue of mine.